The Role of Fathers in Rearing Children
The Role of Fathers in Rearing Children: Balancing Authority and Responsibility in Islam
Assalamualaikum Wa rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu.
One of my beloved brothers and friends in Islam approached me the other day. He expressed his concern that many kids in our community are seen to be faking their congregational prayers by roaming around during the Taraweeh prayer. Then, they join the congregation only before the Tasleem to show their fathers (who are in the front rows) that they prayed in the Congregation. This is an alarming sign in the community where we live in this neighborhood to ensure a proper Islamic upbringing for the next generation. Then, the question that will lurk in everyone’s mind is - how come kids of this community can fake prayer, and that is at the age when they are on the verge of their puberty?
Some kids were brought up in Muhammad’s (peace be upon him) household. They became standard setters for the next generation, i.e., Ali bin Abi Taleb, Zaid bi Haritha, and Anas bin Malik (May Allaah be pleased with them all). Hence, The role of a father in rearing children is of utmost importance as per the Quran, Sunnah, and the Seerah of the first three generations. However, a spectrum of approaches adopted by fathers exists, ranging from being excessively lenient to neglecting their responsibilities altogether. Striking a balance between these extremes is crucial for nurturing children in a healthy and Islamic manner.
At one end of the spectrum are fathers who exhibit excessive leniency towards their children, often indulging their every whim and desire. They will not admonish them for any wrongdoings, let alone give punishment. They base their approach on a selective interpretation of Hadiths, particularly the one from which Scholars took the understanding that beating children under ten years of age, except in cases of neglecting prayers, is not from the Sunnah. While this Hadith underscores the importance of gentleness and compassion in parenting, misinterpretation can lead to permissiveness and a lack of parental authority.
Fathers who adopt this approach risk losing their authority over their children as they need to set appropriate boundaries and enforce discipline. Children may perceive them as mere caregivers, like their mothers, lacking the respect and reverence reserved for fathers as an escalation authority. This can result in children growing up with a sense of entitlement, lacking self-discipline and accountability.
On the other end of the spectrum are fathers who believe their sole responsibility is financially providing for their families. They are unaware of what is going on in their children’s lives. They delegate the task of upbringing entirely to mothers, viewing it as exclusively within the domain of maternal duties. This viewpoint stems from cultural norms and misconceptions rather than Islamic teachings. They are determined to spend leisure time calling people outside the home or hanging out with friends.
Such fathers fail to recognize their integral role in shaping their children’s character and values. Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) emphasized the importance of fathers in guiding their children towards righteousness and instilling moral values. Neglecting this duty deprives children of paternal guidance and undermines the harmonious balance within the family structure.
To reconcile these extremes, fathers must embrace the comprehensive approach advocated by Islam, which emphasizes both gentleness and firmness in parenting. While gentleness is paramount in nurturing a loving and supportive environment, firmness is necessary for establishing boundaries and instilling discipline.
Muhammad (peace be upon him) exemplified this balance in his interactions with children, displaying affection and kindness while maintaining authority and discipline when required. Fathers should emulate his example, fostering a nurturing yet structured upbringing for their children.
Central to effective fatherhood in Islam is tarbiyah, which encompasses spiritual, moral, intellectual, and physical development. Fathers are tasked with cultivating piety, character, and knowledge in their children, guiding them toward fulfilling their roles as righteous individuals and contributors to society.
To fulfill this role effectively, fathers must actively engage in their children’s lives, participating in their education, upbringing, and moral guidance. They should prioritize quality time spent with their children, fostering open communication and bonding through shared activities and experiences. Remember again, spending time in the cause of Allaah doesn’t only mean that we spend all of our time outside the home calling people towards Allaah or just hanging out with other brothers.
Moreover, fathers should lead by example, embodying the values and principles they seek to instill in their children. Their conduct in faith, ethics, and interpersonal relationships is a model for their children to emulate, shaping their worldview and moral compass.
In conclusion, the role of fathers in rearing children in Islam is multifaceted, encompassing both gentleness and firmness, involvement, and responsibility. By striking a balance between these aspects and following the guidance of Sunnah, fathers can fulfill their sacred duty of nurturing the next generation of Muslims with love, wisdom, and steadfastness. The balance means that fathers must keep a sharp eye on what their kids are doing and if they are deviating from practice or the correct understanding. If we think that our kids will automatically be good Muslims without any supervision with all these distractions around, then we are daydreaming. May Allaah keep us Steadfast on his deen.
Abu Aaisha
30th Ramadan, 1445