A letter to a new couple on their wedding day

To the cherished couple,

All praises indeed go to Allah (SWT) who has brought us this far. I praise Him again as I address you both on the blessed occasion of your marriage. Marriage, a profound Sunnah of our Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) and a beautiful bond ordained by Allah, marks the beginning of a truly unique journey. As you embark on this new chapter, I want to offer some humble advice for your forthcoming life together. May Allah make it easy for me, beneficial for you, and keep it free from the whispers of Shaitan. Conjugal life holds so many facets that it’s simply impossible to cover every single aspect; it’s no surprise that scholars have dedicated countless books to this profound subject.

As you embark on your first day as a married couple, you’ll undoubtedly find yourselves immersed in a sea of emotion. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this; I know you both have maintained your chastity and truly deserve each other. These early days of marriage often bring a unique attachment to worldly life that, sadly, many find hard to sustain later on. However, there are fortunate souls – by the will of Allah (SWT) – who manage to extend this early marital bliss throughout their entire lives. Our beloved Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) mourning for his deceased wife Khadijah (RA) is a beautiful example. If you ponder deeply, you’ll see that our Mother (Ummul Mu’mineen) Khadijah was much older, yet our Father (Prophet ﷺ) would not move from her grave’s side. Clearly, it wasn’t mere physical attraction that compelled his profound grief; it was their deep mental bonding that forged such a wonderful couple despite the age difference. My core point is this: you, together with your spouses, must work diligently to embody the beautiful dua taught by the Sunnah – striving to be a source of tranquility and Sakeenah for each other.

“And those who say, ‘Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous.’” (Surah Furqan: verse 74).

So, what is it that will keep you genuinely interested in your counterpart, even in old age? Beyond any doubt, you must safeguard your eyes from Haraam things and anything that brings no real benefit. I am very confident that, by Allah (SWT)’s will, you are free of Haraam inclinations. However, even I often find myself inadvertently trapped by excessive news consumption or following sports, activities that can indirectly allure one to places potentially leading to Haraam. A movie gossip column nestled within political news is no longer a surprise. Therefore, I strongly urge you to curb your activities on social networking sites. This platform is particularly dangerous because it often tempts one under the guise of Da’wah, leading to unnecessary communication with the opposite gender. Moreover, those you call to Allah’s path might not truly listen, despite you seeing a ’like’ on a Quranic verse or Hadith post. More crucially, you, and especially your spouses, might feel deprived by witnessing the non-Islamic lifestyles of your friends – perhaps their trips to Kaafir countries, their wedding photoshoots, or their comments on recent movies. We often dismiss these, thinking we’ll pass the test anyway. Yet, on a bad day, when your spouse is feeling down or unhappy with you, such observations can leave a deep scar. She might end up questioning her choices, feeling like a ’loser’ for embracing this life.

Consider how your spouse, having been brought up similarly to you, spends her time. While we, the guys, can still enjoy chatting with colleagues or friends at work, our female counterparts often fight hard to remain at home and dedicate themselves solely to homemaking. My advice to you, therefore, is to make her life special. Surprise her daily with your best behavior, comfort her with your strong shoulder, take her to places where she can socialize with good sisters, study with her, teach her what you can, play with her, love her closest ones so she can do likewise, help her with household chores, and genuinely acknowledge her contributions. Never show a grimace if she seeks anything from you, for Allah has made her financially dependent on you. Gently make her understand if she seeks anything that could harm her religious commitment. Unlike the society of our Salafs, our womenfolk today don’t have the luxury of mingling with the Ansar or Muhajir women. So, when you’re away at the workplace, do call or text her in the middle of the day. I was even laughed at by my father-in-law for this very behavior. But I still call home (to my wife, my parents, my children) several times during working hours. Allah knows best, I do it purely for His sake.

Now, let’s address that initial emotional phase of marriage, which often paves the way for Shaitan to play with your emotions and anger. As you get to know and explore each other, you will certainly differ on many issues. In such worldly matters, both of you will need to compromise to achieve peace. There is, of course, no question of compromise when the matter is explicitly decided by Allah (SWT) and His Messenger (ﷺ); in those instances, you simply submit. To simplify this, I’ll give you an example: I used to sleep with the lights on. I only stopped this after my daughter Aaisha’s birth. In Allah’s eyes, I could have done much better had I acted immediately when my wife first requested it. Simultaneously, my wife has also sacrificed many of her habits at my requests.

Another critical aspect of these early, emotionally charged days is Shaitan’s whisper to provoke anger over trivial issues. You know the famous Hadith describing Shaitan’s immense joy at the end of the day when his companions report their success in breaking the tie between a husband and wife. Therefore, anger management is paramount to defeating Shaitan’s plot. The basic principle to extinguish these trivial issues is to be steadfast on the dua from Surah Furqan mentioned earlier. Besides, you both must be stubborn – husband and wife alike – about solving problems within the confines of your bedroom. You must not raise your voice to prove your point; this only invites unwanted conflict. The higher your voice gets, the nastier the situation becomes. So, in moments of anger, perform Wudu, keep the harsh words to yourselves, believe that the situation will improve by Allah’s will after a while, recall the good moments you’ve shared (I’m sure you already have some from when you first liked each other), change the subject, or try to admit that you were rude or wrong. This consistent practice from both sides will improve your relationship day by day. You will find that conflicts are resolved in minutes, and you will love each other even more after each resolution, because you have collectively defeated Shaitan’s plot to sever your ties. I would like to remind both you and your spouse of two Hadiths that should always be kept in mind for treating each other well. However, remember not to remind your counterpart about the Hadith concerning their duties. Instead, internalize and act upon the Hadith that is directed to you.

For the Husband:

• The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) enjoined kind treatment and honoring of one’s wife, and he described the best of people as those who are best to their wives. He said: “The best of you are those who are the best to their wives, and I am the best of you to my wives.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 3895; Ibn Maajah, 1977; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi).

For the Wife:

• Ibn Maajah (1853) narrated that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Abi Awfa said: When Mu’aadh came from Syria, he prostrated to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) who said, “What is this, O Mu’aadh?” He said, I went to Syria and saw them prostrating to their archbishops and patriarchs, and I wanted to do that for you. The Messenger of Allah (S) said, “Do not do that. If I were to command anyone to prostrate to anyone other than Allah, I would have commanded women to prostrate to their husbands. By the One in Whose hand is the soul of Muhammad, no woman can fulfill her duty towards Allah until she fulfills her duty towards her husband. If he asks her (for intimacy) even if she is on her camel saddle, she should not refuse.” (Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Ibn Maajah).

• Ibn Hibbaan narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “If a woman prays her five (daily prayers), fasts her month (Ramadaan), guards her chastity and obeys her husband, it will be said to her: ‘Enter Paradise from whichever of the gates of Paradise you wish.’” (Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, no. 660).

And to both husband and wife, always remember: Our Lord says (interpretation of the meaning): 34. “The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal. Repel (the evil) with one which is better (i.e., Allah orders the faithful believers to be patient at the time of anger, and to excuse those who treat them badly) then verily he, between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as though he was a close friend. 35. But none is granted it (the above quality) except those who are patient — and none is granted it except the owner of the great portion (of happiness in the Hereafter, i.e., Paradise and of a high moral character) in this world.” [Fussilat 41:34-35]

The primary aim of writing this somewhat lengthy advice is that you have successfully crossed a huge hurdle in our society: getting married at an early age. Now, you face an even more challenging task ahead. Society, or people around you (who often lack a deep understanding of the Deen), will consciously or unconsciously keep trying to prove that early marriage is not a good thing. So, there will be comments hurled at you, perhaps from any side, which might cause unrest between you. You must manage those situations with care and never fall into the trap of thinking the way they want you to. Remember the words of the Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him): “How wonderful is the affair of the believer, for his affairs are all good, and this applies to no one but the believer. If something good happens to him, he is thankful for it and that is good for him. If something bad happens to him, he bears it with patience and that is good for him.” (Narrated by Muslim, 2999).

So, never, ever let Shaitan ruin your decision, even amidst the worst possible conflict between you. Seek Allah’s help. Try to solve issues by referring to the Book of Allah and the Sunnah of the Prophet (ﷺ). If you can’t agree on your own, cautiously refer the matter to someone who will keep your secrets and advise for resolution, not just for relieving pain. The gheebah (backbiting) of your closest people is among the vilest of things. I will draw my conclusion here, as further lengthening might become a burden on you during this joyous occasion. Please accept my sincere apology if this felt like a ‘bullying’ session (though I certainly didn’t mean it that way! 😊).

Closing with the dua for concluding a gathering: Subhanakallahumma wa bihamdika, ash hadu anlaa ilaaha illa anta, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilaik. “How perfect You are, O Allah, and I praise You. I bear witness that none has the right to be worshipped except You. I seek Your forgiveness and turn to You in repentance.” (Abu Dawud, At-Tirmidhee, Ibn Majah).

Your Brother in Islam, Abu Aaisha